Ah, the convenience of on-line shopping. Visit one of the assjillion number of vendors on the Internet, click on a little "buy now" icon, enter in some sensitive information that give identity theives sweatpant boners of the highest degree, and watch, as little zeroes and ones infiltrate your checking account, stealthly remove the money it needs, and in return, you get whatever it is you bought. Seamless. Painless. Convenient. Right?
And you can thank two well-known couriers for this aggravation. The first:UPS
Their website claims that this stands for "United Parcel Service", but I take umbrage. Based on my experience with these assholes, it stands for Unbelievable Pain in the Scrotum.
Back when Xteen and I were getting married, a good chunk of our guests decided it would be far better to mail their gifts to us, rather than actually transport them themselves and ensure their safe and pain-free scrotum delivery into our hands. But they meant well...they didn't know UPS sucks. But their suckiness made for a very stressful pre-wedding time. Because while you are trying to coordinate everything for a life-changing event, it's important to try and also be home for the myriad of candleholders and vases that weren't even on your register, as they arrive from Mr. Brown.
Interesting marketing campaign, by the way. "What can brown do for you?" Well, first of all, you can deliver my fucking package without making me take time off of work, just to get something that is lawfully mine. It's no coincidence that brown is also the color of shit. Which is what UPS seemingly can't even do for me. I have a new tagline for you. Howsabout this?
Shit - Our color and our service.
That has a nice ring to it.
UPS...Brown can't do shit for you.
Ain't that the truth.
Every day, I would come home to a mosaic of crap- and yellow-colored stickers decorating our apartment complex's outside door window. It would tell me the news I loathed to hear:
Basically, the ball smashers came to deliver our gifts sometime between the hours of 7:31 and 4:01, which are precisely the hours that we, along with most people who actually work for a living, are not home. And to pour more lemon juice on the paper cut, all of these taunting pieces of paper inform me that they are going to try and deliver our gifts again, tomorrow, at exactly the same time we weren't home in the first place.
One time, I ordered Xteen's birthday gift through an on-line retailer and didn't realize they used Unbelievable Pain in the Scrotum to deliver their items until after I got the order confirmation. I saw it and the blood drained to my feet. Shit. Brown.
Not sure if you realize, but birthday gifts are kind of time-sensitive presents. It's not like you were sitting at home one day and decided it would be kick-ass to get the latest Ronco home incinerator, but hey, it could come tomorrow, it could come in a few weeks, no biggie. In the meantime, I can just fire up the George Foreman grill.
Birthday gifts, especially those from a husband, pretty much need to arrive on time, or I will be experiencing a completely different kind of unbelievable pain in the scrotum.
The package comes. I'm not home to receive it. Of course.
I saw that they checked off that they would deliver the package between 2 and 5 the next day. I arranged my work schedule so I could be home early. I get home at 1:45 and find a fucking sticker on the door. They came at 11:00. No one was home. Imagine that.
So, I call and bitch to them. And their answer is "Can't you have a neighbor sign for the package?" I slap my forehead. "Wow! What a great idea. Except for the fact that, in the middle of the day, NOBODY IS FUCKING HOME!! WHICH IS WHY I AM IN THIS MESS TO BEGIN WITH!!!"
I actually plead: "Can't you pleeeeeeease leave it outside the door? I'll sign whatever you want me to sign to absolve you of any and all blame if some derelict comes by and steals a Victoria's Secret bathrobe."
Of course they can't. It's not like the package is mine or anything.
"Well, can you try to see if someone can deliver it sometime after 4:00?"
(uproarious laughter on the other end, which culminated with the customer service person half-assedly covering the mouthpiece and yelling to his fellow donkeys, "This guy wants us to deliver it after 4:00! When he's home!! HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAA!!!")
I hang up and call back hoping to get someone else. I do. They're shitty too. Not sure what I expect. They are brown, after all.
This person did suggest that I could always have delivery held and go pick it up myself. This kinda frosts my ass, because I did pay dearly for shipping, which I expect should involve me not having to go retrieve the package that is supposed to be delivered to me. Last time I checked, that insane amount of money after my subtotal didn't say "Go getting it yourself and handling". But I acquiesce. "Where can I go pick this up?"
Keep in mind, that despite the fact that I live about 15 miles outside of Boston, I do live in an area that has EVERYTHING in like a 2 mile radius. And I mean everything. So, they look up where the package is being delivered from.
It's a half hour drive away.
And from my estimation, there are approximately 14,874 UPS locations that are closer to me than where I have to go to pick it up. At this point, I'm surprised it's actually in the same time zone.
So, I go and pick it up. An hour, round-trip, gas money, and the giant pain the scrotum. And guess what?? I actually had to PAY for that experience!
Now, I work from home on Mondays, so when UPS leaves a sticker behind, I can actually request that they deliver it on Monday when I am home. You would think that's a great thing. Well, it's kinda. But when I am working from home, I am here from 7 until whenever. But I can't move if UPS is coming. I can't go for a run during my lunch break or take a shower, because in the ten minutes it takes me to wash up, the UPS dude will predictably show up and leave another one of his fucking stickers on the door. But, I ask for things to be delivered on Mondays, figuring it would make things easier. Invariably, when do they show up? 6:30 PM. I would have been home anyway if that was any other day. But if it was any other day, they would have come at noon. Leave it to brown to take something potentially cool and turn it, well, brown.
I usually like these guys, despite the cleverly subliminal arrow in their logo, because even if you are not home, they let you sign their non-shit colored stickers, which permits them to leave whatever package you ordered outside the door to the complex. Usually, I don't order anything terribly expensive or fragile, so I take them up on this.
But recently, I ordered Xteen's Christmas gift (don't worry, she knows about it) and it is a musical instrument. Not a super-expensive musical instrument, but a decent one, and one that would be optimally used if I could avoid having it stolen or damaged by the New England fall weather. Doesn't help that the sender probably emblazons their packing box with words like "Be careful! Somewhat expensive and very pawnable musical instrument inside!"
Well, FedEx (who shortened their name from Federal Express, seemingly to try to initiate a marketing campaign with Kevin Federline), decided to deliver the instrument on a Saturday. Yes, the same day of the week that I would have given my left nut to have UPS deliver on. But, as luck would have it, I had no idea they were coming, we weren't home and missed the delivery by, no lie, 15 minutes.
Their sticker informs me:
"We will make another attempt tomorrow (Sunday, Monday, and Holidays excluded) between the hours of 9 and 5".
Jumpin' Jehosephat on a popsicle stick! REALLY? Between the hours of 9 and 5?! The hours in which most people aren't home?? Who would have thunk that?
Might as well tell me it is coming on a mystery day between November and June and then give me some sort of Einsteinian algorithm that'll tell me the exact date if I could figure the fucking thing out.
OK, wait a second...You don't deliver on MONDAY? Well, that's just brilliant. K-FedEx's sticker has a lot of green on it. And not a pleasant green, either. Kinda like a pea soup, vomit green. I'm getting nauseous.
I call K-FedEx and someone politely asks what they can do for me and I reply that I would like to see if I can pick my package up at the place where it is being held (which is, incidentally, about as close as the Crabhead Nebula in driving time). This person replies, "I would be very happy to see if I can help you with that."
This is customer service-speak for:
"There's no fucking way in hell you are getting what you want".
They come back with:
"I'm sorry, sir. This type of package does not allow for a pickup."
To which I reply, "OK, I'm not going to be home at the time they are coming tomorrow, because you apparently don't do work on Monday, which, the last time I checked, is a pretty important, albeit 20%, of a normal, non-brown or puke green company's workweek and I really don't want to sign this thing completely absolving you from any liability if you leave it outside the door and it, I dunno, gets RAINED ON or fucking Bluto from Animal House comes by and slams it into the stairway wall or something. So, is there any circumstance in which I can pick this up?"
At this point, the record on her end must have skipped, because I got:
"I'm sorry, sir. This type of package does not allow for a pickup."
I counter with, "OK, so what you are telling me is that, without actually staying home from work all day, it is going to be virtually impossible for me to receive a package that, um, I OWN, by the way, and paid for you to deliver, yet I am offering to deliver to myself."
Eminem scratched the record again...
"I-I-I-I'm sorry, sir. This type of package does not allow for a pickup."
"All right, thanks anyway."
And then they have the nerve to ask, "Is there anything else I can help you with today?"
Hold your fucking horses, there, lady. That question actually implies that you were of some help to me before. Which you weren't. The question you should have asked is, "Since I can't do jack shit for your other thing, is there something else I can piss you off about?"
How about writing your company president and asking him to change the corporate colors to a nice shit brown. But put some corn kernel yellow in there, too, while you are at it just to shake things up. That will make up for the whole mess.
Waiting for the bell to ring,