More Pretzel Logic **Edit..added #9**

Since I'm still struggling with theme-oriented posts, I decided to yet another post more along the line of my brain having about 6 IPAs and then deciding that a Sambuca shot-contest is the perfect way to go. The result? My brain yakking its brain out to the point of dry heaves. That's what this post is like. My brain has the dry heaves. Told ya my creativity well was dry!

1. I am far from a world traveler, but in my modest adventures on the highways and biways (which are what, exactly?), I've seen a slew of "Weigh Station" signs and all of them say the Weigh Station is, in fact, closed. I've yet to see an open Weigh Station anywhere. They have McDonalds' that are somehow open 25-hours a day and have served upwards of an "assloadillian" customers, yet I have yet to run into one person who hasn't been stymied by locked doors and cobwebbed windows at one of these Weigh Stations. Probably for the best. Considering my need to go on a diet, I wouldn't want to use one anyway. Seems a little out of place, too. Getting weighed on the highway. Besides, I don't trust any scale that I can't calibrate with a bag of sugar. They're all liars.
2. Speaking of things I never see, has anyone actually ever seen a live opossum? I swear these things are born full-size, live for about 4 minutes, and are intrinsically driven to then get squashed beyond recognition in the middle of the road. Every single opossum I have ever seen had a body flat as a flapjack, lying on its decimated back, arms raised like antennae to their now other-worldly home, and a look on its face that says, "I can't believe I just got killed by a fucking Datsun."
3. How come in all of those alphabet books (you know, the "A is for apple" books), X is ALWAYS for xylophone? You mean, there are no other X-words in the entire English language? "X is for xylophone" is a total cop-out and laziness to the nth degree. Howsabout "X is for xenophobe"? There's a quality bedtime discussion waiting to happen.
4. I was walking around today at lunch, listening to my iPod and, all of a sudden got a tremendous urge to play guitar and get my setlist in order for my next open mic night, which has not yet been scheduled. Which makes total sense, because today, my right hand is very sore (not from THAT, you pervs...well, maybe from that...) and I have a sore throat (sore, not meaning a little irritation. Sore, meaning someone lit my esophagus on fire and tried to put it out with sandpaper), so it'll be hard for me to hold a pick and, if I try to sing anything other than the deep, seductive bass notes of Barry White tunes (which is what my voice sounds like today), it'll come out like "It's Time To Change" by Peter fucking Brady. This is so typical of me...get really jazzed up for something when I can't possibly do it. Unlike when I force myself to play, when completely healthy in hand and throat, and stop halfway through my Dandy Warhols cover and decide, "I really need to clip my toenails. They are talon-esque. I could probably swoop down and ensnare a small marsupial like, I dunno, an opposum maybe, with these bad boys!" I really don't have ADD. I'm just a spaz. Can't wait for the day I finally want to take ballet classes. It will undoubtedly be the day I get my toes run over and crushed by a Datsun while trying to nudge an opossum out of the middle of the road.
5. I better get over this sore throat thing in a hurry, because I am going to see Iron Maiden this Friday and really want to enjoy myself in as metal a manner as humanly possible, which means screaming and giving the "horns" with the injured right hand. Let me repeat that last bit. I'm going to see Iron Maiden. Don't say, "HAHA! Dim, you're so funny! Iron Maiden! Really, Dim...tell us another of your uproarious jests!" It's true. And all I can say is, if you are going to the Maiden show this Friday, please do me a favor and read this first. This show promises to be off-the-charts on the unintentional comedy scale, so I should have a good post next week.
6. By the way, if you think this is a lame post designed to only have people read other archived posts from my blog that are funnier and wittier, you could not possibly be more wrong.
7. Speaking of my work cafeteria (or not, if you didn't take the bait and click on the links on #6), their "desert" special yesterday surprisingly wasn't "Sahara", but a chocolate "mouse". Can't imagine it was a big seller. They really need a copy editor.
8. I'm on day two of a psuedo-diet, so my lunch today consisted of a salad (read: lettuce) and a modest portion of sweet potato bisque soup. After eating this, my stomach said to me, "Yeah, that's great. Thanks for that. But when's lunch?" I tried ignoring it, without realizing that my stomach is actually Glenn Close from Fatal Attraction. So, now, I am practically doubled-over in hunger pains and I just looked over at one of my co-workers and their head transformed into a pork chop before my very eyes.
9. So, I was listening to a song on the iPod today and it kept telling me over and over again to think for myself. So, I thought to myself about thinking for myself for awhile and figured out that if I now decided to think for myself, I wouldn't be thinking for myself, because this song told me to do it. Then again, if I thought for myself and decided to not think for myself, then I'm still not really thinking for myself even though I'm ignoring the voice ordering me to think for myself. Then, my eye started to twitch and I decided I really didn't need this shit and decided to eat some Funyuns instead.

That's all I have. Try to think of more X words and for the love of all that's holy, won't you save an opossum today?

- Dim.