Elevator Etiquette

This post from FTNU got me thinking a little. March and I (along with some other co-workers) used to have this running list of rules about how to behave in the work environment. And since I am desperate for a new post and March isn't, I'm jumping on this one.

I work in a six-floor building. The first floor really doesn't have much going on in the way of office space. There's the lobby, the cafeteria, which you all know about, and some conference rooms. The second floor is littered with tenants from various other companies (who seemingly don't share the same dress code as us). And then, my company has floors three through six. I'm in the penthouse overlooking the homeless guy's camp near the exit for the interstate. Oh, the view.

Anyway, the first thing I do when I get to work in the morning is get on the elevator. Being on the sixth floor, you really wouldn't think there would be a lot of stuff that could go on that would piss me off, right? Well, think again. Because most people are idiots. Here's some elevator etiquette that I think should always be followed:

1. If, at the elevator, I press the button to go up, I get on first. Plain and simple. I didn't exert my index finger simply so you could elbow me out of the way of my ride. There are three elevators, side-by-side. Just because you stand in front of elevator number two and that one opens up to reveal an unhindered ride to your destination (while I am standing in front of elevator number one, which opens up to reveal a donkey), doesn't mean you get to get on first, Monty Hall. You want to get on first? Get your sorry ass out of bed a nanosecond before I do and press the button yourself.
2. Once in the elevator, shut the fuck up. Seriously. Unless we are extremely close friends, I don't want to hear about how sunny/cold/hot/humid/snowy/icy/windy it is. Guess what? It's NOT cold enough for me, the heat is NOT getting to me, and yes, I CAN believe all this snow. Look. I'm going to WORK. I don't like going to work. Therefore, forgive me if I am not chatty. If I am on a elevator ride on my way to pick up a $20 million lottery check, feel free to wax meteorology with me. Otherwise, shut your low pressure system.
3. If we get on the elevator at the same time, or if I am already on when you get on, don't you dare say to me "Four, please" unless you somehow got both of your arms chopped off at the shoulder, drummer from Def Leppard-style, on your way through the door. Even then, use your foot, like he does. He plays fucking drums with his FOOT. I think you muster some strength and train that piggie went to market fat toe of yours to hit the 4 button. I'm not wearing a little red hat. I'm not the doorman. I'm not your bitch. Press your own friggin number.
4. Turn off your cell phone. It never ceases to amaze me where people think they can carry on a conversation on their cell phone. First of all, it's beyond annoying to be in an enclosed space with someone and all you hear is, "HUH? YEAH! YEP! OK! YEAH! 5:30! FIVE!!! THIRTY!!! YEAH! OK! CAN'T HEAR YOU! YOU'RE BREAKING UP!!!" Ya think, Alexander Graham Bell? You are in an enclosed metal box deep within the innards of a building structure. You mean you can't get a signal? "Can you hear me now?" These are same idiots who would bring their Razr phone in while they are getting an MRI and wonder why they can't make dinner reservations.
5. Unless you are in a wheelchair or you are carrying two duffle bags full of bricks, do NOT get on the elevator to go up or down one floor. They have these things called stairs and it just might do your bacon-double cheeseburger eating ass some good to use them.
6. If you are waiting for the elevator and the door opens and there are people there getting off, wait until they are all off of the elevator before proceeding in yourself. I can't tell you how many times I have tried to get off at my floor only to have some impatient jackass try to get on the elevator while I am getting off. The elevator isn't a portal that brings you back to Cincinnati, 1979 to see the Who. Quit the bum rush.
7. The depth in which you stand in the elevator should be proportional to the floor on which you are getting off. Say, you have two duffle bags worth of bricks that you are carrying...so, naturally, you are only going up one floor. Don't go to the back of a crowded elevator, so everyone gets knocked around like a Weeble when you have to rush to get off before the door closes. Conversely, if you are getting on at 1 and off at 6, get your sorry ass to the back of the car so people don't have to limbo around you to get off at their floor.
8. When the door opens, don't ask, "Going up?" We have color coded lights above the elevators. When the door opens and the light is white, it is going up. When it is red (as in the color of hell), it is going down. Colors are not just for paint-by-numbers sets anymore...they actually can symbolically mean things! It might be too much of a metaphysical concept for you to grasp, but do try to keep up with the evolution of man.
9. As you are exiting an elevator that only you are on, don't press all of the buttons as you leave to be a smart ass. Yes, there are actually full-grown adults who like to pull this prank. And yes, I want to punch them all in the throat.
10. Finally, do your best to hold the door when you see someone coming. No one likes to have elevator doors slamming them in the face, especially if you are the drummer for Def Leppard and are carrying two duffle bags full of bricks with your feet.

"Fifth floor: Hosiery, neckties, and outrageous pantaloons! Please try not to be a dink!"

- Dim.