Side Effects

So, I went to the doctor today because lately, I've kinda feel like I have a lump in my throat. And no, I haven't been watching the Brian's Song marathon on Bravo. The doctor comes in, asks me a few questions, and then prescribes me a nasal spray. For a lump in my throat.

I ask, "Do I shoot this down my throat?"

And he replied, "No, dum dum, you put it up your nose."

I gazed at him with a look reminiscent of when your schnauzer hears a Yoko Ono record.

He proceeded to tell me, regrettably without the use of crude drawings or five-cent words, about how various and sundry cavities and tubes are all interconnected in my noggin, thus necessitating me shoving something up my nose to not make the thing in my throat seem so aggravating.

I figure, what the fuck? I'm only a Doctor of Love. I don't know nothing about what's going on in my schnoz, so I get the prescription filled. I then notice on the little cover-their-ass printout they give you what they call "less serious" side effects of taking this nasal spray:

• Headaches
• Sneezing
• An unpleasant taste or smell (Dim's note: Subjective. Not to mention that one person's unpleasant odor is another's perfume, but I'm always around an unpleasant smell, because SOMEONE at work always gets the fucking fish for lunch and leaves their earth-menacing styrofoam container in their desk trash)
• Minor nose bleeds (Dim's note: Again, subjective. You ever see Monty Python's Sam Peckinpah spoof sketch, "Salad Days"? Well, some twisted bloodlusters might consider that a minor nose bleed)

and then the final "minor" side effect struck me:

• Dryness and irritation of the nose and throat

This got me thinking that my doc ain't the quack I thought he was. Apparently, my throat and my nose are one in the same and this thing might work wonders after all. But then it also got me thinking, "What the fuck? I already have this side effect. It's what I am trying to get rid of!"

Then, I kept reading for the more "get thee to an emergency room" side effects:

• sudden swelling of the face or tongue, a rash, wheezing or feeling faint

Well, all of that sounds like a party in a spray bottle.

And then it concluded with the obligatory, ultra-subjective "major" nose bleeds. So, this either won't work, it will work and I will be fine, or it will work too well and I'll end up looking like an asthmatic Rocky Dennis.

All this called to mind a commercial that Xteen and I saw the other night. It was for some sleep aid medicine. And the soothing, womanly voice that seductively told you of all of the benefits also warned that one of the many side effects of this sleep aid is...get this...

DROWSINESS!

I bloody hope so! That's the whole point of taking the friggin stuff to begin with. I WANT to be drowsy. That's not a side effect. It's the main effect! It's like taking a laxative and having them say "side effects include shitting your brains out. Well, not literally your 'brains', but you know what we mean...". No crap (pun intended)...that's what I am taking that stuff for!

And you know that every fuckhead that had even the craziest reaction to taking the drug, regardless of whatever else they were on at the time or how utterly stupid they were, has to be included in their warning.

Say you haven't slept in about three days. You are a zombie, craving even 15 minutes of sleep. On top of being utterly exhausted, you just popped a couple of sleeping pills in the hopes that it knocks you completely out and you wake up sometime in the middle of football season. Now, who in their right mind would say to themselves after all that, "Hey, this seems like a great time to go fuck around with the wood chipper!"

Someone had to. Or they wouldn't have to tell you not to operate heavy machinery. You know some idiot took a couple of sleeping pills and fell asleep, face-first, into a combine engine. So now, they have to tell you not to do such foolishness.

My favorite is obviously the side effect for the little blue pill. Sorry, but if I am a 60-something dude who hasn't been able to sport a tall boy longer than a Ramones song since the Carter administration and I get an erection that lasts more than three hours, the last thing I am doing is calling a doctor. The absolute first thing I'm doing is finding the nearest college and watching cheerleading practice.

But like I said, then there are side effects that seem a little severe for the kind of medicine you are taking, so you really have to weigh the benefits with the risk. But someone had to have experienced them at some point, or they wouldn't be on the bottle. Ahh...let's see...here's the stool softener. Hmmm...side effects include soft stools (duh), mild abdominal discomfort, loss of appetite, kidney failure, vomiting out your spleen, death, and your left eye might fall out.

WHAT? I'm just trying to have a healthy crap! I don't want to end up a dead cyclops on dialysis!

Side effects. Gotta love 'em. I'll let you know how things turn out. In the meantime, if the next picture of me that I post has me wearing an eye patch, you'll know what I've been taking.

Reading the bottle,

- Dim.