'Tis the Season
Fa-la-frickin'-la.
I went Christmas shopping today. I absolutely have to have EVERYTHING done before Thanksgiving or I am a total and complete basket case. And I don't throw that phrase around liberally. Phrases like "shit-be-damned!" and "this is the best spinach and artichoke dip I ever had", I throw around constantly. But if you hear me utter "basket case", you should think to yourself, "uh-oh. Dim means bidness."
Things I hate about shopping:
1. People. All of them. Every single last one of them. From the old people walking four centimeters an hour while admiring the call-girl attire at the latest female clothing store-du-jour to the ankle biting little brats yelling, crying, and slobbering over some over-priced piece of plastic that their spineless parents will have for them in about a month and a half. But none endure my silent wrath more than the pushy shoppers. Yeah, lady, you really needed to elbow me out of the way of that synthetic zebra-patterned sweater that's of such a size that it would be considered "roomy" on a friggin wooly mammoth. I'll let you figure out what "ho ho ho" really means.
2. Parking. This one is obvious. Everyone hates parking. I somehow made it to the mall 15 minutes BEFORE it even opened and still managed to get a lousy spot. And with parking, comes three other pet peeves. The asses who leave the mall with armfuls of parcels and walk to their car, while I am trailing them stealthily, like a paparazzi, only to get to their car, open it up, put their packages in, and then GO BACK TO THE MALL!!! Guess what? If your meathooks can't carry anything else...you're done. I believe Bruce Cockburn had a song called, "If I Had a Rocket Launcher". I wish I had one too, Bruce. Teehhhee...I typed "Cockburn".
Pet peeve two is the shopper who actually gets into their car, but then decides to pontificate aloud on the fall of the Byzantine Empire nuance by nuance before backing out of the damn spot. I sit there, with the rhythmic click of my blinker, taunting me like the Telltale Heart while this doofus is doing long division while applying Chapstick to every crack and crevice of their devil-lips.
The third is probably my own fault, but I HATE losing my car in the lot. That happened today. Twice. And when I say "losing my car", I don't mean looking for it in the wrong row. I'm talking about looking for it in the wrong zip code.
3. Prices. I might not be Pythagoras, but I know a ridiculously high number when I see it and I may not be Andy Dufresne, but I know when someone is giving me the business down there (not from any personal experience, literally, mind you). And I may not be Gene Wilder, but I almost certainly also know very little about molecular biology. Whatever. You know what I mean.
4. The Temperature. I get it. It's wintertime. But the funny thing about wintertime is that they have these really neat things called "coats" that people put on to keep themselves warm while outside. Now, I realize the outside of the mall is, naturally, outside, but taking it one step further, the inside of the mall is inside and therefore doesn't have to be kept at a temperature resembling the second ring of hell. I shouldn't sweat in a mall. Ever. As soon as my skin starts feeling prickly, I'm out of there. Outside. Into the freezing cold. With my sweat. Catching pneumonia.
5. The Smells. OK, I hate perfume. But the thing I hate more than perfume is 100 different kinds of perfume all attacking my sinuses at the same time. Usually sprayed haphazardly in the air by a mall employee whose choice of eye makeup makes Tammy Faye Baker and Alex from A Clockwork Orange look conservative.
Oh and to top it all off, I had a salesperson say the word "irregardless" today. I almost blew a gasket right then and there.
I'm done spouting venom for awhile. Deck the halls and all that stuff.
Dim.
I went Christmas shopping today. I absolutely have to have EVERYTHING done before Thanksgiving or I am a total and complete basket case. And I don't throw that phrase around liberally. Phrases like "shit-be-damned!" and "this is the best spinach and artichoke dip I ever had", I throw around constantly. But if you hear me utter "basket case", you should think to yourself, "uh-oh. Dim means bidness."
Things I hate about shopping:
1. People. All of them. Every single last one of them. From the old people walking four centimeters an hour while admiring the call-girl attire at the latest female clothing store-du-jour to the ankle biting little brats yelling, crying, and slobbering over some over-priced piece of plastic that their spineless parents will have for them in about a month and a half. But none endure my silent wrath more than the pushy shoppers. Yeah, lady, you really needed to elbow me out of the way of that synthetic zebra-patterned sweater that's of such a size that it would be considered "roomy" on a friggin wooly mammoth. I'll let you figure out what "ho ho ho" really means.
2. Parking. This one is obvious. Everyone hates parking. I somehow made it to the mall 15 minutes BEFORE it even opened and still managed to get a lousy spot. And with parking, comes three other pet peeves. The asses who leave the mall with armfuls of parcels and walk to their car, while I am trailing them stealthily, like a paparazzi, only to get to their car, open it up, put their packages in, and then GO BACK TO THE MALL!!! Guess what? If your meathooks can't carry anything else...you're done. I believe Bruce Cockburn had a song called, "If I Had a Rocket Launcher". I wish I had one too, Bruce. Teehhhee...I typed "Cockburn".
Pet peeve two is the shopper who actually gets into their car, but then decides to pontificate aloud on the fall of the Byzantine Empire nuance by nuance before backing out of the damn spot. I sit there, with the rhythmic click of my blinker, taunting me like the Telltale Heart while this doofus is doing long division while applying Chapstick to every crack and crevice of their devil-lips.
The third is probably my own fault, but I HATE losing my car in the lot. That happened today. Twice. And when I say "losing my car", I don't mean looking for it in the wrong row. I'm talking about looking for it in the wrong zip code.
3. Prices. I might not be Pythagoras, but I know a ridiculously high number when I see it and I may not be Andy Dufresne, but I know when someone is giving me the business down there (not from any personal experience, literally, mind you). And I may not be Gene Wilder, but I almost certainly also know very little about molecular biology. Whatever. You know what I mean.
4. The Temperature. I get it. It's wintertime. But the funny thing about wintertime is that they have these really neat things called "coats" that people put on to keep themselves warm while outside. Now, I realize the outside of the mall is, naturally, outside, but taking it one step further, the inside of the mall is inside and therefore doesn't have to be kept at a temperature resembling the second ring of hell. I shouldn't sweat in a mall. Ever. As soon as my skin starts feeling prickly, I'm out of there. Outside. Into the freezing cold. With my sweat. Catching pneumonia.
5. The Smells. OK, I hate perfume. But the thing I hate more than perfume is 100 different kinds of perfume all attacking my sinuses at the same time. Usually sprayed haphazardly in the air by a mall employee whose choice of eye makeup makes Tammy Faye Baker and Alex from A Clockwork Orange look conservative.
Oh and to top it all off, I had a salesperson say the word "irregardless" today. I almost blew a gasket right then and there.
I'm done spouting venom for awhile. Deck the halls and all that stuff.
Dim.
posted by Dim at 11/11/2005 02:10:00 PM
7 Comments:
I'm sitting here at my computer, sputtering shit like, "Pythagoras...Byzantine Empire...BWAHAHAHA" That last part is me laughing hysterically. Your ranting puts me (and Dennis Miller) to shame. And I'm a good ranter. I'm jealous and in awe at the same time...and by the way, I agree on all counts. I hate people, and all other ranting stems from that.
Seasons greetings, Dim...yours sounds merry already. :)
Aw, shucks, Rust. You are causing me to have a big head. You shouldn't be encouraging my behavior!
Can't wait to read some of your rants. I'm sure you can hand out the vitriol as good, or better, than I.
- D.
You crack me up....a little narcissistic, but hilarious. Sometimes when I am driving I actually hear myself say out loud "don't these people know they are supposed to get out of my way".
Thanks Melody! But narcissistic? Yowza! One of my next blog entries was seriously going to be "I'm Getting Fat and Really Need a Haircut."
Now, I'm on a quest to prove to you how full of self-loathing I really am! Heh...!
I could not agree with you more. I won't go anywhere near a retail store between Thanksgiving and the middle of January. I love your blog! By the way, would it be a major problem if I borrowed your picture of the redneck with the "Morans" sign?
Hey Jenny G,
Thanks for the nice words! Any friend of March is a friend of mine. Well, most of them, anyway.
Feel free to borrow away! I found that one on-line myself, so I can't stake claim on it. And even if I could, I'd still let you use it. Morans of the world, rejoyce!
Fun fact: Jenny G and I are real-life best friends. I found Random Musings through her blog, and yours from his. Funny how that works, huh? :) She's hilarious...much more so than I am. Another good friend for you to have in the blogosphere besides me. You're gathering quite the following! :)
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