Stick a (pitch) fork in 'em!

Me and March are big-time music geeks. He has a love/hate relationship with pitchforkmedia.com, a widely read internet rag for music news and reviews. My relationship is more along the lines of this masochistic hate/despise.

I wrote this a bit of time ago and those smarmy elitist musical snobs at Pitchfork must have gotten wind of my clever and downright hilarious plan to spoof them. So what to the bastards do?? Take away the ratings guide for their CDs. Thereby rendering my entire piece superfluous and incomparable. Well, if you never had the pleasure of reading Pitchfork’s guide, something that made about as much sense as hearing “War and Peace” being orated in pig Latin, let me assure you…It was lousy. So, Pitchfork, if you think that getting “sneak peeks” at my material and thusly altering your site, cowardly I might add, in the hopes that I would call back my Dogs of Ridicule…at you I scoff. Now, on with the piece proper. And don’t call it a comeback, faithful readers, I’ve been here for years.

My name is Dim and I read pitchforkmedia.com.

“Hi Dim!”

OK, it’s even saved as one of my favorites. It’s only a matter of time before all my teeth fall out and I’m reduced to selling maps to Marky Mark’s house on the side of the Southeast Expressway.

This isn’t something I am proud of, believe me. Between their smug news articles, their smug album reviews, and their all around smugness, whenever I leave the site, I’m left with an overwhelming feeling of smugtitude and the vague sensation that I have been talked down to. Egotistical, megalomaniacal, frustratingly inconsistent, snobby. The site is all of these. They slam the latest Wilco, yet possess enough audacity to revel in the audio euphoria that is the latest release by Mechanical Hybrid Jerk-Off, which is only available via import from Belgium, where they are nationally loved.

Yet I read it every day.

Multiple times a day.

But beyond all these things I hate about the site, the one aspect of pitchfork that maddens me most is their nebulous review system. Oh, try to go there and find an explanation of their numeric grades, why don’t you. On top of it all, you need a PhD in the Dewey Decimal System and an Ovaltine decoder ring from A Christmas Story. And you WON’T find the decoder ring on that site anymore my friends. This is because, in addition to being all of those horrible things I mention above, they are also out to ruin me! Smugly stealing my journalistic thunder is just one of their myriad of unforgivable transgressions. I mean, bringing the hate all over the Mars Volta’s “Deloused in the Comatorium”, but giving a 7.0 to a band called “!!!”?? Granted, I have never heard a single note from the band Exclamation Mark Exclamation Mark Exclamation Mark (which HAS to be what they call themselves), but with a name like that, or even Exclamation Mark Cubed, it HAS to be bad.. Right? Right??!!!

So, bowing in concession to pitchfork’s Heaven’s Gate-like following, I present to you my own pitchfork-inspired rating system in my undying hopes of making Dim City even a fraction as successful as that online music magazine juggernaut…pitchforkmedia.com. I’d even settle for a fraction of the hits to annabenson.net So, put on your purple robes and Nikes and look for Hale Bopp. The Hell Train’s a-comin’.



The Rating System

0.0 – 0.3...Worst. CD. Ever.

0.4 – 0.7...Almost the worst. CD. Ever.

0.8.......Pretty bad, but there are some CDs that are even worse than this one, if you can even wrap your Phil Collins-lovin' cranium around such a concept. What the hell is a "Sussudio" anyway?

0.9 – 1.7...Woah, this really sucks. Not sure what differentiates it from the other suck-ass ones though. Hey, howsabout some pie?

1.8 – 2.1...Woah, this sucks. Really.

2.2 – 2.6...Really. This sucks. Woah.

2.7 – 3.8...This is horrible. Or for our Spanish-speaking readers, "Donde esta la zapateria?"

3.9 – 4.3...This is terrible, which isn’t quite as bad as horrible and much better than horrendous, but not nearly as good as stupendous, which is totally different though it sounds a little like it. Whoa! Slushy headache!

4.4 – 4.9...If this were a test, it would get an “F”, but because we are idiots, we’ll say that this is not horrible or terrible, but not good or great either, which is technically like a "C-" or a 7.1, but what the fuck?

5.0 – 7.0...Some good songs. Some aren’t so good. I think. Hey, anyone have a copy of "Kid A" lying around? Thom Yorke is soooooo rad! And that girl guitar player they have with the awesome cheekbones is just precious!

7.1 - 7.3...This sucks. Confused? Good!

7.4 – 7.9...Not too bad. Kinda good. Partly cloudy, partly sunny. What the hell does it matter? We all die in the end. Bonnie "Prince" Billy said so. We all see a darkness, Bonnie. We all see a darkness.

8.0 – 8.3...This is almost the best thing I have ever heard in my life. Then again, I’m 36 and still live in my parents' basement, so unless it is the soundtrack to Galaxian, I really don't have much to compare it to.

8.4 – 8.8...Wow, I actually don’t hate this too much. It’s still not up to pitchfork standards, but it isn't audio ipecac like all the others are. Almost worthy of caressing my cochlea. Ooh! That sounds dirty!

8.9 – 9.2...Good but not great. Wait. I mean, great but not good. Awesome, but not really really good. Tremendous!!! Where's my nitrous?

9.3 – 9.8...The Kate Beckinsale of discs. There is none better in the whole entire world. Wait. Galaxy. Wait. Solar system. Whichever one's bigger. Galaxy or solar system. Infinity times infinity. Hey, is Lindsay Lohan legal yet?

9.9...Oh my God. I just crapped my pants!!! Twice!!!!! And I kinda liked it! Not just the CD...the whole crapping my pants part too. Don't tell Freud!

10.0...Radiohead (a.k.a. God. On the 7th day, he actually created OK Computer, so go screw.)

So, there you have it. My PAINFULLY laborous rant against pitchforkmedia. Hey, pitchfork! Get bent!!! Unless, uh, you're hiring. Uhhh...call me? OK?