I've Seen the Face of Evil...

...and it is this:

Would someone please explain to me what the hell this is?!?

Don't say, "Hey Dim, isn't that the crazy-ass evil baby sun thing from the Teletubbies?" Because I already know it is the crazy-ass evil baby sun thing from the Teletubbies. But what IS it? WHY is it?

Is it their god, their maker? The one that gave them all weirdo DirectTV antennae on top of their head and visible zippers running up their back?

Is it their puppet master, who pulls the string and makes them do all of those goofy dances?

Is it their X supplier?

And what's with their names? LaaLaa? Po? Tinky Winky? Dipsy? All sound like things you shout into the big porcelain telephone after a few too many Long Island ice teas. Come on...admit it. You've knelt there, praying for death, and blabbered "tinky winky!" at the water while your own body rebelled against you. Et tu, stomach?

I think this kids' show is completely off its rocker and it has nothing to do with the four Schmoo wannabees who look like they ate too many Lite Brite pieces and somehow grew a TV set in their belly that likes to play white noise that undoubtedly transmits dastardly messages from the crazy-ass evil baby sun, into their phallic antennae. (Hey, Dipsy, I've seen the commercials. They say if it stays like that for more than three hours, you should call a doctor!)

Well, OK, that goes a long way into me thinking this show is off its rocker.

All the kid shows I remember watching while growing up all seemed so normal, so not drug-induced. Why do we have to be subjected to the crazy-ass evil baby sun? Why can't there just be normal and well-adjusted children's programming like in the good ol' days?

Well, I'm off to visit my green pain-in-the-ass friend who lives in a trash can after consulting with a hairy elephant that only I can see.

Good night. And don't let the Fraggles bite.

Dim.