Work Birthdays

Well, I just got it handed to me. The dreaded Folder of Fake Sincerity. Within which contains a birthday card for someone in my work group, which I must sign, wishing whoever's birthday it is a...happy birthday.

If you think greeting cards themselves are all lame (and they are), just wait to read what people write inside a work birthday card. Part of the problem is that you probably don't know the person very well (so, penning "Get wrecked!" probably isn't the best idea). And another part of the problem is that the card gets passed around and displayed proudly on the recipient's desk, like a combat medal, so wishing someone "Get laid!" on their birthday is probably not the most ideal thing for work environs either.

Instead, what's left is a bunch of sentiments that are so sterile, I could smear the card all over gaping wounds on my body and not even feel the need for Bactine. So, the recipient is treated to such heartfelt expressions as:

"Happy Birthday!"
"Have a great birthday!"
"Have a wonderful birthday!"
(the two above sound like drill sergeant orders. What if my foot gets run over by a garbage truck on my birthday? Do I still have to have a great/wonderful one?)

Then you have greetings that are slightly less bossy, but also filled with skepticism:

"Hope you have a happy birthday!"
"Hope you have a wonderful birthday!"
"Hope your birthday is/was great/fantastic!"
In other words...you might get your foot run over by a garbage truck, but I really hope that doesn't happen. But you never know. Or, in the case of the past tense birthday, "I didn't hear anything, but I hope you didn't get your foot run over by a garbage truck on your birthday."

Then you have the obligatory, contradicting commands from various people:

"Don't eat too much cake!" (usually followed by some sort of smiley face drawing)
"Eat lots of cake!" (also followed by some sort of smiley face drawing, especially if the author misspells the word as "lot's").

Then, you have people who try to be funny:

"Happy birthday! You're still young! But older than me...HAHAHA!" They have to include the "HAHAHA" at the end, because then the person knows it is an uproarious joke at their expense and they are cued to laugh uncontrollably while half-stale birthday cake comes out of their nose.

Then you have someone who is either the person's best friend forever, works for Hallmark, is drunk, or any combination of the three:

"You are such a wonderful person! Have the great time you deserve on your 27th birthday! May all your wishes come true and may the happiness you give to everyone in your life come back to you tenfold; not only on this, your special birthday, but on every day for the rest of your life!"

This vomitous message is usually signed "Love," so-and-so and usually refers to the receipient by some nickname that you never in a million years knew they had.

If I ever leave this job, the last birthday card I sign before I quit will be something along the lines of "All right! Blow and midget porn for everyone! Just like last year! Woohoo!!!!" That ought to raise the bar on birthday card greetings just a tad.

Looking like a monkey and smelling like one too,

- Dim.