Jeopardy!...It sucks!...
...and with apologies to Rusty, Alex Trebek is a smarmy little prick.
And here's why:
A friend of ours, well, a friend of Christine's...not sure how much she actually likes ME, (in fact, Christine's Maid of Honor, who shall henceforth be known as D.), has a fiance' who was just, tonight and last night, on Jeopardy!. Don't forget the exclamation point, or else it would just be this sort of lackadaisical "Jeopardy", instead of "Holy shit! It's fucking Jeopardy!!"
Anywho, D's significant other, Will, actually can say now, until Jesus comes again, that he is a (Holy shit! It's fucking...) Jeopardy! champion. That's right. Champeen. Here's Will:
Although he was one and out, he has my undying respect. Here's two reasons why:
1. Will got 4 out of 5 questions right on a category called "Beer". Surely, the one question that Will got wrong had to do with some skank-ass beer like Natty Light or something. Who could blame him?
2. The other reason, which absolutely kicks the most ass ever kicked by someone not named Chuck Norris, is because on the (Holy shit! It's fucking...) Jeopardy! website, they have this thing called "Hometown Howdies". (Hurry and click...the link's only good for a week!) One would think the people in this section here would excel on such brain-warping categories as "Farm Fun" and "Most Amorous Bovines". But, alas, no. "Hometown Howdies" is an on-line place where (lackadaisical) Jeopardy contestants give "shout outs" to their "homies". No shit, here's Will's:
"Hi, I'm Will Love from L.A. I'm going to be on Jeopardy!. Keep your eye on the track. Love Train is coming your way."
Now, I, Dim, have kicked major amounts of ass in my life. I'm kicking an ass-load of ass as we speak. But of all the ass I have ever kicked, it does not equal 1/7th of the ass that this statement kicks.
Now, onto more pressing topics. Like how Will got screwed by the show. First of all, that smarmy prick Alex Trebek, in all his Mensa glory, calls Mr. Love, "Will", "William", and "Bill" during the course of the show. In fact, the only names he didn't call him were Consuelo, Dimitrius, and Bernadette. Way to throw our boy off his game, Trebek. Are you on the take, you formerly mustachioed megalomaniac??
Second, Will and this quick trigger-fingered wench Eleanor (who I personally don't think is swell-a-nor) were neck and nape, closing into Final Jeopardy when Will hits a Daily Double in the category of Islands. Now, a nanosecond before Will is going to wager his Jeopardy life, friggin' smarmy-ass Trebek announces, "We have some bad news, Betty. The judges ruled a previous response incorrect. You said, 'Du-mah' instead of the correct answer, which everyone knows is 'Du-Moh', so right before the biggest wager of your life, we're going to financially castrate you to the tune of $3,000. Now how much do you want to bet on the category "Questions We've Rigged So the Quick-Fingered Chick Would Win"? Gee, thanks. A little late on the uptake smarty pants. Hey, while you are at it, Trebek, do you want to warn JFK that there's a sniper in the book depository? Horse? Gone? Barn door? Well, NOW it's closed, you hero.
Will gets that one wrong (understandably) and then incorrectly guesses at Final Jeopardy (the category could have been: Jeopardy Contestants Named Will Love and it wouldn't have mattered, though he did make some of the best "I couldn't give a crappin' ass less if I get this wrong" looks I have ever seen), and thus, relinquishes his brief but galactically important reign as Jeopardy! Champion.
So, to our friend, and D's future husband Will Love, congratulations. Jeopardy Champion is quite an entry on the resume and you are infinitely cooler than Ken Jennings, who I still claim would have lost in his first game if the Final Jeopardy category was "Girls I've Kissed".
To the commies behind Jeopardy...go screw. You might have the greater American public fooled, but I am privvy to your Will-less agenda. A: A pox. Q: What does Dim wish you on, you bastards?
Suck it Trebek,
- Dim.
And here's why:
A friend of ours, well, a friend of Christine's...not sure how much she actually likes ME, (in fact, Christine's Maid of Honor, who shall henceforth be known as D.), has a fiance' who was just, tonight and last night, on Jeopardy!. Don't forget the exclamation point, or else it would just be this sort of lackadaisical "Jeopardy", instead of "Holy shit! It's fucking Jeopardy!!"
Anywho, D's significant other, Will, actually can say now, until Jesus comes again, that he is a (Holy shit! It's fucking...) Jeopardy! champion. That's right. Champeen. Here's Will:
Although he was one and out, he has my undying respect. Here's two reasons why:
1. Will got 4 out of 5 questions right on a category called "Beer". Surely, the one question that Will got wrong had to do with some skank-ass beer like Natty Light or something. Who could blame him?
2. The other reason, which absolutely kicks the most ass ever kicked by someone not named Chuck Norris, is because on the (Holy shit! It's fucking...) Jeopardy! website, they have this thing called "Hometown Howdies". (Hurry and click...the link's only good for a week!) One would think the people in this section here would excel on such brain-warping categories as "Farm Fun" and "Most Amorous Bovines". But, alas, no. "Hometown Howdies" is an on-line place where (lackadaisical) Jeopardy contestants give "shout outs" to their "homies". No shit, here's Will's:
"Hi, I'm Will Love from L.A. I'm going to be on Jeopardy!. Keep your eye on the track. Love Train is coming your way."
Now, I, Dim, have kicked major amounts of ass in my life. I'm kicking an ass-load of ass as we speak. But of all the ass I have ever kicked, it does not equal 1/7th of the ass that this statement kicks.
Now, onto more pressing topics. Like how Will got screwed by the show. First of all, that smarmy prick Alex Trebek, in all his Mensa glory, calls Mr. Love, "Will", "William", and "Bill" during the course of the show. In fact, the only names he didn't call him were Consuelo, Dimitrius, and Bernadette. Way to throw our boy off his game, Trebek. Are you on the take, you formerly mustachioed megalomaniac??
Second, Will and this quick trigger-fingered wench Eleanor (who I personally don't think is swell-a-nor) were neck and nape, closing into Final Jeopardy when Will hits a Daily Double in the category of Islands. Now, a nanosecond before Will is going to wager his Jeopardy life, friggin' smarmy-ass Trebek announces, "We have some bad news, Betty. The judges ruled a previous response incorrect. You said, 'Du-mah' instead of the correct answer, which everyone knows is 'Du-Moh', so right before the biggest wager of your life, we're going to financially castrate you to the tune of $3,000. Now how much do you want to bet on the category "Questions We've Rigged So the Quick-Fingered Chick Would Win"? Gee, thanks. A little late on the uptake smarty pants. Hey, while you are at it, Trebek, do you want to warn JFK that there's a sniper in the book depository? Horse? Gone? Barn door? Well, NOW it's closed, you hero.
Will gets that one wrong (understandably) and then incorrectly guesses at Final Jeopardy (the category could have been: Jeopardy Contestants Named Will Love and it wouldn't have mattered, though he did make some of the best "I couldn't give a crappin' ass less if I get this wrong" looks I have ever seen), and thus, relinquishes his brief but galactically important reign as Jeopardy! Champion.
So, to our friend, and D's future husband Will Love, congratulations. Jeopardy Champion is quite an entry on the resume and you are infinitely cooler than Ken Jennings, who I still claim would have lost in his first game if the Final Jeopardy category was "Girls I've Kissed".
To the commies behind Jeopardy...go screw. You might have the greater American public fooled, but I am privvy to your Will-less agenda. A: A pox. Q: What does Dim wish you on, you bastards?
Suck it Trebek,
- Dim.
posted by Dim at 1/31/2006 08:18:00 PM
9 Comments:
Conspiracy theorist much? You're worse than Jen...and she's bad. I saw tonight's episode (although Jen was talking to me at the time) and I heard the beer category. He DID kick ass. I agree that once in awhile the categories seem to be tailored to a certain contestant, but I don't think the questions were tailored to Eleanor. Your buddy just didn't get it right...period. And it's not Alex Trebek's fault that they told him to say that about Will's -$3000 right at that time. I'm not Alex's advocate or anything (by far! he actually annoys the hell out of me), just saying I don't know if I'd blame him or the show. I buy into conspiracies (mainly because Jen is my best friend) but I'm not running with this one.
On a side note: Jen and I both got up close to the TV and checked Will out because we could both SWEAR we knew him. Of course, we don't, but he just reminded us of someone we know, I guess.
How cool, Dim, that you know a Jeopardy! champion! Cool stuff. Best of luck to your friend and her fiancee the Jeopardy! cham-peen. His Hometown Howdy IS awesome, and the face he made for the camera when they announced his name was great.
Embellishment, meet Rusty. Rusty? This is embellishment. Hehe. I don't really believe everything I write. I just write everything I believe.
Also, I have no idea what that means. It just sounded cool in my head.
- D.
Trabek is one of the sexiest men on TV... If we could just him and Rachel Ray togther they could spawn the love child of Dim's dreams!
You crack me up, Dim...but I do feel like an ass for going along with your crap. I should know by now when you're embellishing! I AM your #1 commenter, after all. :)
A fact of note: My mom is watching "$40 a Day" behind me and I just turned around in time to see Rachael Ray make her "I kissed Jesus' face and it tastes like proscuitto" face/groaning noise. Thought you'd like to know that.
Hey Annoyed...that love child would give you blog fodder for decades. Can you think of a more annoying spawn?
Rust, you know it PAINS me to actually use this internet shortcut, and I NEVER use it, but it is so warranted in this case. Here you go: LOL! You rock, as always.
- D.
Gene Simmons and Paris Hilton
The self promotion would never end..
and on the porn tape you'd just see racoon eyes and a long tounge...disgusting
Jay Leno and Rosie O'donnel
You'd have a fat talk show host that REALLY sucks at their job!
George Bush Sr and Barbra Bush...
Ann Coulter and Michael Moore...
I could go on and on...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
That was me...I didn't understand at first what internet shortcut you meant, but I reread it and realized it was the "LOL". I feel so honored that you used that for little ol' me.
I must be a pretty good friend to warrant an LOL if you never use them.
You rock, too. :)
HAHA! I thought you were being serious too, and thought that it was weird that we thought we knew him and you DID know him. I guess I should have known that no man who says, "Keep your eye on the track. Love train is coming your way," would have a fiancee.
BWAH! @ Annoyed! The love child of George Sr. and Barbara! The product of their couplation would indeed be scary...
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