I (Heart) Apple...Sometimes...

For the longest time, I avoided getting an iPod for much the same reason why I avoided doing a blog. Everyone else seemed to have one and overhyped it and if everyone jumped off a bridge, I was certainly not going to follow them. At least not again. What would my mom say?

Anyway, last February, Christine and I sat down and had a long talk and I fretted for about two weeks straight like I usually do when I purchase something that's more than $50, and we decided, as capable adults, that I was ready for an iPod. (Note: I made the decision to start a blog independent of Christine and did so 1) because it was free and 2) because I was drunk.)

So, the thing arrives in the mail and let me tell you....it really is something else. Probably the best device I have even owned. Even better than the kick-ass meat pounder I just got from Bed, Bath, and Beyond. Quite possibly the best device ever created by man, or dare I say, God. Because surely divine intervention came into play here. "And on the 134,864,846,975,754,865,653,863,864th day, God created Steve Jobs who created the iPod decreeing, 'Go forth and listeneth to the White Stripes in your recreational vehicle, domicile, and place of employment!'" And little do people know that the actual 15th Commandment is "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's iPod Nano." And even lesser known are Commandments 11-14, which I believe are:

- Thou shalt not tuggeth on Superman's cape.
- Thou shalt not spitteth into the wind.
- Thou shalt not pulleth the mask off the ol' Lone Ranger.
- Thou shalt not messeth around with Jim.

What can I say?...God digs '70s folk rock.

So, I get all of my tunes on there and rock out for 7 months, loving life. The only negative to the iPod that I could tell was that it didn't give me a "Warning: Shitty Music. Cannot download." message when Christine asked me to put some John Mayer on there. Whatever.

Then, the friggin' world ended.

We came home from a nice 1-year anniversary vacation in Mystic, Connecticut, after listening to many songs on the aforementioned iPod, to find a friendly message from Apple, saying, "Hey Dim! You rule! How about updating to a new version of iTunes?" iTunes, for all you cavefolk, is the music storage program Apple has that houses all of your songs and communicates with your iPod, getting the stuff on there. So, always wanting to have the latest version of everything, I click the "Hells yeah!" button. Little did I know, I should have clicked the "Piss off." button instead.

What happened next was a clusterfuck of gargantuan proportions.

EVERYTHING ceased to work. My computer was messed up. The iPod wouldn't even turn on. I couldn't get the cowlick on the back of my head to stay down. It was utter bedlam. So, I call up my buddy Muj, who is a master of all things computer-related. When I tell him of my musical apocalypse, he responds with a "Oh yeah. They're having all sorts of problems with that update. I didn't do it. It's a mess."

So, I hang up from Muj and check my e-mail. Nothing from him warning of impending catastrophe. No voice mail messages. No carrier pigeon at my door. Nothing. Gee, thanks for the heads up Muj. What's next? Not letting me know that an unmanned spacecraft is re-entering the earth's atmosphere and has a bull's-eye on Dim City, so I might want to carry an umbrella if I go out?

So, I bring it to the Apple store and some "Genuis", as they are dubbed, took my iPod, pressed all the buttons, fiddled something on his Mac, went out into the backroom and produced for me a new (or, more likely, rebuilt) iPod! I'm back in bidness! The world is right again.

Until this past Friday.

I'm listening to a Nickel Creek song, which is one of the 9,203 songs I have on it (no, that is not a typo and that actually represents probably 5/19ths of my entire CD collection) and the thing suddenly freezes. I can't go forward. I can't go back. And this atrocity most certainly did not occur because I was listening to it at work with headphones on and got the headphone cord unknowingly tangled in the armrest of my chair and when I push my chair back, the tethering wire pulled the iPod from the sanctuary of my desk onto the carpeted floor. That most assuredly did NOT happen.

So, I rebooted the iPod, which usually cures most maladies. But upon rebooting the iPod, a display appeared which shook me with such anxiety, I swore I was back watching Bumbles. It looked like this:


I'm not Bill Gates, by I know my icons, and that to me says "Warning. I'm dead." I'm surprised they didn't code in some flies to buzz around the iPod's carcass. But on the Apple website, they say that this icon means the iPod is merely "sad." Sure, the frown can be interpreted as sad, but the x's for eyes? No tears? Come on. I'm not Quincy, but I think I can discern that the thing is dead. Don't patronize me with this icon when the thing shits the bed. I'd even prefer something like this to appear:

At least, then, I'd know where I really stand.

So, Christine and I trek off to the Apple store AGAIN. I plan to get there at 10:01, right when the place opens up, so I can get seen and saved. We get there, only to be informed by the disgustingly large flatscreen TV's near the "Genius Bar", that there are no geniuses available to help, as all appointments are taken, and to try again later. Wha??

Having an infirmed iPod is roughly the equivilent of me carving out both of my eyes with a cake frosting spatula, so I decided to wait on "stand-by". We were there for like a half hour, waiting behind a woman who informed the "genius" helping her, in a Bea Arthur-esque husk, that she couldn't get the iPod to work (probably depriving her of listening to Barry Manilow's "Mandy" ad infinitum) before James, a shaggy, redheaded genius whom we will name our firstborn after, be it a boy or girl, takes pity on me. Much like the other "genius" I encountered there (I think I might be able to handle this job), he fiddled with the buttons for two seconds, did some Mac work, went in the back, and produced for me, another iPod! When explaining the modest reprocessing fee, he asked if I was in college (as I believe college students get a discount). Not only does this wonderful boy give me back the gift of music, but he also thinks I'm about 13 years younger than I am! I have a small man-crush on James, I'll have you know.

So, we go home and I go through the time-consuming task of transferring all of the music from iTunes onto the iPod and five hours (literally) later, I'm back in bidness.

Until the next time...when an unmanned spacecraft is re-entering the earth's atmosphere and smashes right on the friggin' thing in the middle of Queens of the Stone Age's "Sky Is Fallin'". I hope the warranty covers that. Apple taketh away, but then Apple giveth. Dim liketh Apple.

Oh, and random internet search string that miraculously landed someone on Dim City: "samoans and gayness". I shit you not.

iHappy,

- Dim.