Good Grief

The other night, I was scanning the ol' tube for some entertainment and came across a presumably new Charlie Brown special called "He's a Bully, Charlie Brown". I wasn't sure how I felt about it. Charlie Brown specials are kind of sacred to me. At least the old ones were. Once they started to introduce new characters and take on topics heavier than what to do when you get a rock for Halloween, well, then, "You Jumped the Shark, Charlie Brown!"

But, on the other hand, I was encouraged that whatever Peanuts crew was left decided to address something as serious as bullying. Then I read the description:

Premise: Charlie Brown tries to win back ReRun's marbles at summer camp, by challenging a bully.

First of all, I wasn't aware that Peanuts decided to join the cast of What's Happening?! I got news for you Chuck. This guy's marbles are lost. For good.

Anyway, it got me thinking. What other new Charlie Brown episodes could they come up with to stay current and also address social issues? I came up with some. I expect you will see them soon.

• "Why Don't You Get Your Dad's Gun From The Closet and Fuck Him Up, Charlie Brown?" (this episode, I imagine, will follow the bully episode, because I'm sure that Charlie Brown couldn't stand up to a bully, so Sally would have to kick the bully's ass, which would really steam ol' Squiggle Head, and then, completing the trilogy...)
• "Here's An Idea. Why Don't You Try Growing a Sack, Charlie Brown?"
• "No, I Don't Know Where You Can Get a Copy of the Britney/K-Fed Sex Tape, Charlie Brown"
• "You Need a Cochlear Implant, Charlie Brown" (alternate titles: "Everyone Else Can Understand Your Teacher Except For You, Charlie Brown" and "Do You Have Shit In Your Ears, Charlie Brown?")
• "No, Snoopy Really Isn't a World War I Fighter Ace. He's Just Looped Out On X, So Grab Him a Red Bull, Charlie Brown"
• "The Gym Teacher Isn't Supposed To Touch You There, Charlie Brown", which is followed by...
• "No, I'm Not Sure What It Means If You Liked It, Charlie Brown."
• """ " " """ '' ' " '' """ ' ''' "'" (Written and directed by Woodstock)
• "...And That's Why Peppermint Patty and Marcie Moved To Vermont, Charlie Brown."
• "Shermy's a Narc, Charlie Brown"
• "Oh sure, It's Perfectly Normal To Cling To a Blanket And Have an Oral Fixation at Linus' Age. Freud Can Go Screw, Charlie Brown"
• "Of Course it Stings. They Don't Call it 'Chlamydia' Because it Feels Like a Soothing Summer Breeze, Charlie Brown", which is the prologue to...
• "Well, You Should Have Thought About That Before You Nailed Frieda, Charlie Brown" (Hey, it takes more than 30 minutes for Franklin to explain why Chuck needs to wear a jimmy hat, yo.)
• "Snoopy Isn't Really a Beagle, Charlie Brown. And While We Are At It...You Were Adopted."
• "Joe Shlabotnik Is On The Juice, Charlie Brown"
• "Prozac Will Get Rid Of That Black Thought Bubble Of Dismay Above Your Melon, Charlie Brown. Just Don't Knock It Back With a Fifth Of Bourbon."
• "You Want a Chick Like Lucy? Play the Piano. You Want To Party with the Red-Haired Girl? Get Your Ass An Electric Guitar, Charlie Brown!"

Well, that's all the Charlie Brown specials I have. I hope you all have a nice Thanksgiving. And, for the love of all that's holy, PLEASE don't call it "Turkey Day".

- Dim.