I Hate the Internet

If it wasn't for the news sites, sports sites, music sites, the fact that I can buy pretty much anything I want without leaving my house, midget porn, entertainment sites, blogs, e-mail, and youtube, I'd REALLY hate the Internet.

The reason?

The fucking ads.

Here are two that drive me crazy:

1. The "roll over". The concept of this kind of internet ad is that it places a small, unobtrusive banner on the page in which you are viewing and, theoretically, if you move your cursor over the banner, it expands to an ad that is roughly the height and width of a movie screen. That's how it works in theory. How it actually works is like this: This slim, non-assuming banner is usually placed in close proximity to a field that gets used kind of a lot. Like a text search field on an Internet browser. You know, that thing that you pretty much use all the time. Well, what the ad folks don't tell you is that there is a little "buffer zone" around the roll-over banner. So, just in case you were thinking of seeing their retarded commercial for why you should watch "Two and a Half Men" on Monday nights, but have serious visual spacial issues, it says to itself "Hey, even if they don't roll directly over the banner itself, if they are in this space, we'll assume they want to watch the ad." "This space" is actually the entire width and height of your monitor. So, I go to enter a text search like "dwarf sex tapes", uh, I mean, "How to help the environment" and the "roll over" banner grows to Incredible Hulk proportions saying, "Hey, fuck the environment! Try Cialis!" Not cool.
2. The other ad I hate is the pop-up box, which exists despite the presence of about 839 different pop-up blockers I have. These ads usually appear at the most inopportune times in your Internet search. Oftentimes, they blink and flash with such ferocity, you think you are at a rave. They also congratulate you on being the nth visitor to that site and if you click "OK", they will send you a trillion dollars, no strings attached. Personally, I have no possible use for a trillion dollars and would really prefer to get back to watching the lurid activities of carnies, uh, I mean, educating myself on civil rights. So, I click the button that is the supposed antithesis of "OK". That would be the "Close" button. Guess what? It doesn't work! Actually, that's not true. The Close button does work. But it doesn't close. Instead it brings me to a site, again congratulating me on my newly won trillion dollars and to herald my luck, decides to reward me with approximately one pop-up window for every dollar I have "won", which reproduce with the vigor of a thousand rabbits after watching a couple hours of midget porn, when I try to "x" out of it. Come on, Internet ad people. No means no. I find your subversive trickery annoying and the ruination of my buzz when I am trying to find clips of the Britney/K-Fed tape, uh, I mean, the words to all of the verses of "The Star-Spangled Banner".

Surfin',

- Dim.

Oh, by the way, just noticed. This is my 100th post. For all of you who are down with milestones.