Let It Snow!...Now, Don't Be A Shmuck.
Ahhh...wintertime in New England. The cold...the snow...the idiots on the road. Hey guys! We're not Pacific Islanders. This white stuff...you've seen it before. You know that wet stuff that also makes you drive like imbeciles? Well, this is what happens to the wet stuff when it gets cold. Same driving rules apply. Scratch that. More cautious driving rules apply. This isn't the Iditarod. Calm the frig down.
For those that need specifics, let me see what I can throw together on this topic for you.
1. That thing got a Hemi? Good. Because my piece of shit Taurus probably doesn't (not sure what a hemi actually is, but if it in any way deals with the increased fortitude of one's vehicle, rest assured, mine doesn't have one). In other words, back off. Not everyone tries to compensate for biological inadequacies by purchasing a truck so large that you need to be shot inside it by a c
atapult. I know your tire alone could pulverize my house into oblivion, but there's a layer of ice on the street that would make even Brian Boitano have a party in his pants and unless you want to get up close and personal with my "I Break for Misspellers" bumper sticker, it's probably a good idea to stay a good 30 car lengths behind me. Out of the two of us, I trust myself to drive in a safer manner than you, who probably thinks that the Flintstones got better when The Great Gazoo came on board. No offense, dum dum. Got it? Sweeeet.
2. Clean off your windshield. The WHOLE thing. I love seeing these people who are in such a hurry in the morning of a blizzard that they clean off an 8 cubic centimeter section of their windshield, right where their eyes are, so they look like some sort of reverse raccoon when behind the wheel.
3. Clean off the bottom of your car. I understand that driving in the wintertime causes one to kick up a lot of filth and muck, but do your best to clear off that hunk of nastiness that looks like part fudgesicle, part waste by-product that fell off a passing space shuttle that lodges itself behind your front wheels while still in your driveway. For no other reason that the thing is just unsightly and really ruins my new-fallen snow buzz. Oh look! Such a lovely coat of snow...completely defiled by Frosty dropping a deuce in the middle of the street.
4. Clean off the side of your car. I hate driving and then having some chunk of snow roughly the size of half an igloo slam into my windshield. Because then you know what happens. It smashes on your windshield and immediately starts to melt and scares the bejeezus out of you, which, because you're not good under pressure, causes you to hit every contraption on your dashboard other than the windshield wipers...you turn on your lights, you hit the hazard button, you open the trunk, you manage to find a radio station that is playing a Kenny G marathon, but you just can't get to the windshield wipers. And while physics takes over and slowly pushes that slushy mess' tendrils out of your line of vision, you find the wipers just in time to see that you missed your exit and are now in a stretch of road lined with moose carcasses and buzzards dive-bombing your Escort.
5. Clean off the top of your car. I totally sympathize with all you garage-less folk. I'm one myself. But take the extra 4 seconds and clean off the top of the car. Even if you have one of those mutant hemi-trucks and the only way you can get to the top of the thing is to be lowered down by a helicopter. Because the last thing I want to have happen is to be barrel-as
sing down the highway going 40 and have you pass me and then have this sheet of frozen wintry mix, bearing an uncanny resemblance to the prison Jor-El confined General Zod and his two other hurricane-force wind-creating yahoos to in Superman II secede from your roof and hurtle menacingly at my head. I get very testy when I think that movie versions of comic book villains are hurtling toward my head.
Strap on the studded tires. Can't believe I'm in for 5 more months of this crap,
Dim.
For those that need specifics, let me see what I can throw together on this topic for you.
1. That thing got a Hemi? Good. Because my piece of shit Taurus probably doesn't (not sure what a hemi actually is, but if it in any way deals with the increased fortitude of one's vehicle, rest assured, mine doesn't have one). In other words, back off. Not everyone tries to compensate for biological inadequacies by purchasing a truck so large that you need to be shot inside it by a c
atapult. I know your tire alone could pulverize my house into oblivion, but there's a layer of ice on the street that would make even Brian Boitano have a party in his pants and unless you want to get up close and personal with my "I Break for Misspellers" bumper sticker, it's probably a good idea to stay a good 30 car lengths behind me. Out of the two of us, I trust myself to drive in a safer manner than you, who probably thinks that the Flintstones got better when The Great Gazoo came on board. No offense, dum dum. Got it? Sweeeet.2. Clean off your windshield. The WHOLE thing. I love seeing these people who are in such a hurry in the morning of a blizzard that they clean off an 8 cubic centimeter section of their windshield, right where their eyes are, so they look like some sort of reverse raccoon when behind the wheel.
3. Clean off the bottom of your car. I understand that driving in the wintertime causes one to kick up a lot of filth and muck, but do your best to clear off that hunk of nastiness that looks like part fudgesicle, part waste by-product that fell off a passing space shuttle that lodges itself behind your front wheels while still in your driveway. For no other reason that the thing is just unsightly and really ruins my new-fallen snow buzz. Oh look! Such a lovely coat of snow...completely defiled by Frosty dropping a deuce in the middle of the street.
4. Clean off the side of your car. I hate driving and then having some chunk of snow roughly the size of half an igloo slam into my windshield. Because then you know what happens. It smashes on your windshield and immediately starts to melt and scares the bejeezus out of you, which, because you're not good under pressure, causes you to hit every contraption on your dashboard other than the windshield wipers...you turn on your lights, you hit the hazard button, you open the trunk, you manage to find a radio station that is playing a Kenny G marathon, but you just can't get to the windshield wipers. And while physics takes over and slowly pushes that slushy mess' tendrils out of your line of vision, you find the wipers just in time to see that you missed your exit and are now in a stretch of road lined with moose carcasses and buzzards dive-bombing your Escort.
5. Clean off the top of your car. I totally sympathize with all you garage-less folk. I'm one myself. But take the extra 4 seconds and clean off the top of the car. Even if you have one of those mutant hemi-trucks and the only way you can get to the top of the thing is to be lowered down by a helicopter. Because the last thing I want to have happen is to be barrel-as
sing down the highway going 40 and have you pass me and then have this sheet of frozen wintry mix, bearing an uncanny resemblance to the prison Jor-El confined General Zod and his two other hurricane-force wind-creating yahoos to in Superman II secede from your roof and hurtle menacingly at my head. I get very testy when I think that movie versions of comic book villains are hurtling toward my head.Strap on the studded tires. Can't believe I'm in for 5 more months of this crap,
Dim.
posted by Dim at 12/05/2005 05:38:00 PM
2 Comments:
I had to laugh out loud because I'm guilty of the only clearing part of your windshield thing. I'm always running late, and I hate being cold. I always have to do contortions to be able to see out of my windshield until the defroster starts working. And I agree with you on the hatred of people who don't clear their rooves and then it blows off onto the 1 square inch of clear windshield I have. I'm an ass, I konw.
HA! You are too funny! I should have put something in about contorting and gyrating so you can see out that little hole! That's so true!!
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